We all spent Christmas in London piled into a one bedroom flat in the middle of town. It was hilarious; bonding, cozy, loud and indeed smelly (one bathroom for six people!). We were able to be with our English family and friends and dive straight back into our UK life. Even the boys’ accents shifted in two short weeks. It was the first time we were all together there for some time and it felt comfortable, connected and part of our lives. The parallel universe at play once again.
And when I was with my British bezzies, the subject of hormones dominated. Who still had them; whose were raging, fading, dominating and whether or not we could still have babies. Discussing intimate details of the female body is a valuable conversation to have and to share. This is where British women can defy the stereotype and really get personal, which is fantastic. We women need to tell each other what the f*ck is going on because Lord knows no one seems to have the hormone chapter summed up in their books. There are contradictory stories given from doctors, articles and other women and frankly I can’t remember what I know.
I could pack it all in, hormones and all, and just get pregnant. Let the hormones really rage! But I can’t imagine that’s a good reason to try for a baby – it’s better than dealing with the prospects of being peri-menapausal. Ha! I wonder if a peri-menopausal woman can get pregnant??
Husband wants another baby. He’s been saying this, well, ever since we had our first. I’m not sure if he relies on my saying “no”, although I did say “yes” four times, or if he truly wants another. I am 45 and with four healthy sons I don’t feel as though our family portrait is missing a face. Everyone and their mother asks if we want a girl. The truth is, I have curiosity about what it would be like to have a daughter; what I would learn from her, what I would feel and what she would be like. But the take away from having four of one gender is that each brings to the table something completely unique and because of that, I don’t feel bereft of having a different experience. So, it isn’t a sense of incompleteness in not having the girl; just curiosity.
Which is not strong enough to get pregnant! Enter the puppy. I said yes to the puppy a few months ago. I’ve never had a puppy and training him to sleep through the night without crying or peeing, made the baby scenario become a very distant conversation.
But at a recent doctor’s appt, I discovered that apparently I am very fertile, still, and the only thing my doctor wants me to remember and keep remembering is just that; fertile ground still, Jen, fertile ground. With all my talk of my progesterone, or lack of, she can give me creams or pills to mend that but they are NOT birth control. I can still conceive, not just the plan but the baby.
When I asked her to explain, once again, what the female cycle does each month, which hormone controls what and why the heck am I so bloated all the time, she looked at me like I was a bit thick (thus the emphasis on fertile ground, still). I can tell she thinks of me as one of those women who walks into the office with a tummy ache to discover she’s pregnant. In any event, I wrote notes to try and remember so I could share my info and also apply it to myself when symptoms arose. But that’s just it; when symptoms actually arise, fear and moods swings take over and I can’t remember what it was I was supposed to do/take/ingest/ to make things better.
I think that if I were to be honest, it’s easy talking about not wanting another when I know I still can try for one. It’s going to be much harder to accept the reality when my life shifts. Whether in London or LA or frankly anywhere in between, this conversation, this shift, is being discussed. Some don’t ever notice their hormones and others can use them as a legally proven motive for destruction and terror. I fear I will fall on the side of craziness and so subconsciously am preparing myself by discussing menopause before birth control at the doctor’s office.
Husband wants another? Well wouldn’t that be funny…